On Your Unsuitability for High Office, by Kevin Higgins


“you loved me as a loser, but now you’re worried that I just might win”,  

Leonard Cohen 

for J.C

The minute they realise

you might succeed in changing

more than the occasional

light bulb in the new

old community centre,

where the anti-apartheid

meetings used to happen;

the late Lord Lambton

climbs out from between

two prostitutes and into

the next available issue

of the Daily Express

to urge votes for anyone

but you; Earl Haig

gets up from his grave

to bang the table and tell us

you’ve not successfully

organised enough death

to properly understand

Britain’s defence needs

in the twenty-first century.

The Telegraph mutters

into its whiskers about your lack

of experience – how you never once

so much as successfully destroyed a bank;

as former comedians gather

in darkest Norwich and Lincolnshire

to speak of your beige zip-up jackets.

LBC Radio exclusively reveals your plan

to give each failed asylum seeker,

and anyone who’s ever

taken an axe to a child,

their own seat in

the House of Lords;

the same day, The Spectator

gives retired General

Franco space to expose your

long term associations

with known vegetarians

and Mexican importers

of fair trade coffee.

While on Radio Four’s Women’s Hour

the former editor of the News of The World

and Dame Myra Hindley agree:

the last thing this country needs

right now is you.

KEVIN HIGGINS is satirist-in-residence at The Bogman’s Cannon