The Flying Column – a new weekly from a Derry Lad in Liverpool

(Trigger warning: Royals and Fisting)


A wise woman recently told me, in a variation of the fairy myth, that every time you say, “Jez We Did,” Tony Blair has a mini-stroke. I’ve been rocking back and forth in a corner for the last three days repeating this mantra – it hasn’t worked. No matter, like much of humanity, I’d rather see him boiling alive. But I really am glad to see Tony and his minions of eternal blandness squirming at the marvel that is Jeremy Corbyn’s ascent to the leadership of the British Labour Party. As a radical leftist elected on an anti-austerity platform, his leadership has already re-invigorated many people’s dreams of a better world. Thankfully the media-machine was poised to crush those dreams, because you don’t deserve them.

Almost the entire British media have set aside their differences and united in condemnation of a man who believes in treasonous concepts like fairness and justice. The usual smear techniques from the Mail, the Telegraph and the Sun were to be expected – “Jeremy Corbyn killed gerbil with IRA dildo” or “Jeremy Corbyn in gay Islamic State sex ring”. Far more underhand and obscene are ostensibly left-wing publications peddling this twaddle. Suzanne Moore and Polly Toynbee of the Guardian along with Cathy ‘Fabricator’ Newman of Channel 4 News have leapt to the defence of feminism in the only way they know how – by attacking someone with an impeccable record on defending women’s rights who has just created the most gender-balanced shadow cabinet in British history. “Brocialist,” they shout, “Manarchism.” I mean, whodda thunkit? Jeremy Corbyn a misogynist? Check your privilege Jeremy! As well as the oppression of women, he also supports the 9/11 hijackers, republican terrorists, forced labour camps and probably Hitler. Sexist-Muslim-loving-IRA-Nazi-bastard. I knew it all along.

Even by the standards of the British Press this is remarkable. Rather than an ‘evolving scandal’ this is a spontaneously generating plague of falsehoods and misrepresentations in the form of easily digestible shit pellets. The press can’t be ‘won over’ – this week should be proof of that. They must be smashed. This is only the beginning of their attacks on Corbyn. They will not desist until he kneels penitent and broken before Lizzy and her concubine of the house Saxe Coburg and is made to lick blood from the butcher’s apron. Then we can all get back to the important job of fisting the poor with knuckle dusters on.

Meanwhile, as the press fixated on Corbyn bashing, the Tory government voted for and passed cuts to tax credits that will mean up to 8 million struggling families could lose out on thousands of pounds each year. Chancellor Gideon Oliver Osborne (aka Giddy Olly Ozzy) has, among other things, limited the child tax credit allowance to two children per family, paying homage to his great hero Deng Xiaoping. Earlier in the week, they also passed their Trade Union Bill which drastically reduced the legal powers of organised labour in ways that have been compared to the anti-union laws of Francisco Franco.

The same government has, rather charitably, agreed to take in 20,000 refugees from Syria over the next five years. 4000 per year – the take it or leave it offer from a government that has vested interests in the war that the refugees are fleeing. We salute you!

Thankfully all of the above ‘reforms’ have generated protest and resistance amongst the feckless masses with trade unionists planning a day of action against the anti-strike laws, anti-cuts alliances mobilising locally against tax credit reform and up to 100,000 people marching in London declaring “Refugees Welcome Here” loud and clear. These are the very movements that Corbyn must mobilise if he really means business about challenging austerity – and wants to survive.

But there is one thing that Jeremy Corbyn and David Cameron have in common. Neither of them have anything particularly novel to say about the imminent collapse of civilisation and the extinction of life on earth. With much the US West Coast reduced to ashes, Bangladesh slowly disappearing, and even conservative outfits like NASA and the World Bank announcing that the end is most certainly nigh, our leaders remain curiously placid. Sure, the bike-riding veggie-commie Corbyn thinks we should be cutting our emissions and investing in renewables. But even his (apparently radical) proposals do little or nothing to stem the quickening advance of seas, deserts and hypercanes.

On the other hand Cameron seems to have entirely given up on the possibility of a future. He has achieved the ultimate state of Zen capitalism, acknowledging that the present is all there is, and the material world is an illusion. He has made it his mission to bring this message to the masses by abolishing the future and eliminating the material world. On this one, I have to say I’m with Cameron. If you’re going to destroy a planet, destroy it right. No half measures – nothing less than total annihilation. Only then will we see the completion of capitalist modernity and usher in the new age of the transhumanist wasteland. And that’s why I’ll be voting conservative in the next election.

Connor Kelly