THE FLYING COLUMN 3 (Democratic Socialists for The Apocalypse)

In my column a few weeks ago, I jokingly suggested that David Cameron welcomed the apocalypse with open arms. This week, it seems that it might not be so far from the truth – but we should add much of the Labour party to the list of those praying for ‘The Rapture.’

“’If you’ve got nuclear weapons systems and something awful happens you’ve got to consider being able to use it” – Maria Eagle, Shadow Defence Secretary, September 2015

Here, Eagle is referring to Jeremy Corbyn’s – clearly demented – statement saying he would not use nuclear weapons if elected prime minister. The mad bastard. Of course, the irony is that the “something awful” Eagle is referring to must be the firing of nuclear weapons by an enemy state – unless the government plans to use Trident against terrorists, or the SNP. But even if the Russians launch a nuclear attack on London, Birmingham, or Glasgow how – pray – the fuck will a retaliatory attack make a blind bit of difference? But I suppose we shouldn’t take Eagle too seriously. After all this is a woman who one day hopes to be in charge of the defence of the realm, and she can’t event defend her own party leader.

The same day, Jeremy “Against Annihilation” Corbyn gave his first major speech to conference as leader of the Labour Party. I’m beginning to get nervous. There’s something worrying charming about him. I mean, he looks like an eccentric grandfather who’s escaped from the shed his family keeps him prisoner in because they can’t afford a care-home. And as he addressed the crowd, I began to worry that he might actually believe those things he was saying. He extolled socialist principles, and called on people to “unite against austerity.” He told the public they “never have to take what they are given.” He attacked the British media machine in a disarmingly humorous way before tearing them to shreds. I can imagine all the little Polly Toynbees of the ‘commentariat’ spitting out their out their ethically cleansed organic green tea and halloumi smoothies at the horror of it all. “He can’t say that! Back into the shed with you Grandpa Joe – this time, you’ll be shackled!” All poor Corbyn had done was call for a nicer kind of politics. After the speech he handed out sweets to the front bench, put on a silly hat on and went off to prevent nuclear destruction and feed the ducks.

Meanwhile on Red Square, good ole’ Vlad Putin, decided that Russia should categorically pin its colours to the mast and begin bombing the shit out of the Syrian people – on behalf of cartoon dictator Bashar Al-Assad aka Evil Bastard II. They are aiding him, officially, in the “fight against ISIS” but as of yet, reports suggest they haven’t hit ISIS targets at all, but rather more “moderate” groupings such as the FSA and Al-Nusra, as well as, of course, moderate civilians.

Russia isn’t alone. Everyone wants in on the action. Everyone wants to “fight ISIS.” The only problem is they can’t seem to agree how – Turkey is “fighting ISIS” by bombing the Kurds and aiding ISIS. Russia and the Syrian regime are “fighting ISIS” by bombing the FSA and the Al-Nusra front – which strengthens ISIS. The US, and Britain are “fighting ISIS” by (supposedly) actually bombing ISIS – while behind the scenes, bolstering the Syrian regime. Meanwhile, we’re allies with Saudi Arabia – who funded ISIS, Iran – a Russian ally, and Israel – who wants to bomb Iran. I predict that next week we shall be in an alliance with Eastasia against Eurasia and that this has always been the case.

I only hope that some idiotic groups on the left (like some in Stop the War) might now desist with their chirping about Good President Assad vs US Imperialism. They might also discard their deluded image of “plucky little Russia” valiantly facing off Western expansion. These ‘anti-imperialist’ forces – as well as ‘the west’ have turned Syria into a geo-political playground – an extremely bloody one where children are murdered as they play on the swings. If we’re serious about solidarity, it should lie totally and unapologetically with the Syrian people, not their butchers.

But it isn’t all death and destruction. This Sunday tens of thousands of people are expected to throng the streets of Manchester to protest at the Tory party conference. As well as a major trade union mobilization, anti-cuts groups, environmentalists and peaceniks all plan to attend. JC himself intends to make an appearance. I’ll be there and see it as an opportunity to recruit activists to my new socialist group, “Democratic Centralists for the Apocalypse.” Though there are only three of us, (including our mascot Rosa the pig) we have printed 10,000 placards with demands varying from, “Support Corbyn’s asteroid!” to “Full Communism – Quick!” Our founding document, “The Book of Revelations – A Marxist Interpretation,” will also be distributed. Who knows?

If there are enough of us we might actually be able to break through the ‘ring of steel’ the Tories have erected, guillotine the lot of them, and use the conference centre to house Syrian refugees – that wouldn’t really be the end of the world, would it? But we all know that if we did that, Maria Eagle would be straight on the phone to MoD screaming, “something awful has happened!” demanding an immediate nuclear strike on Manchester. And as the only member of the labour party to survive the ensuing nuclear winter, she’ll be declared leader. That’s how politics works.
Connor Kelly


Conchúr Ó Ceallaigh