Anyone ever tasted squirrel? The squirrels in Liverpool look sizeable enough – big enough for a stew perhaps. I’ve been practicing. If you hunker down make a squeaking noise they come over to you and tilt their demented little heads in curiosity. I haven’t got close enough to catch one yet – I’ll try again this evening. You see, I’ve decided to eat the squirrels. This is because the foodbank package didn’t look very appetizing – beans, beans, some cheap pasta, and beans. I checked the ingredients on the instant coffee – “powdered muck.” This week, ex-minister for famine and pestilence Edwina Curry said that she thinks foodbanks are “pernicious.” She thinks that people who don’t need to are using them just because they’re there. Yes Edwina, you are correct. I must rid myself of this ridiculous sense of entitlement. I should be thankful for the opportunity to experience powdered muck – after all, the foodbanks in Newcastle are handing out powdered shite. Hmm, I wonder if we could eat Edwina Curry? I think we’d be safer with squirrel.
And he marched them up to the top of the hill….
Last Saturday I marched with over 100,000 others in Manchester to protest the Royal Satanists Convention. Although it was terrific to see so many people on the streets, a diverse crowd including trade unionists, green activists, communists (and the obligatory conspiracy theorists), really, it was much too ‘nice.’ It was jovial and light-hearted, Manchester remained undamaged and only one Tory was egged. In short, it was completely pointless. “But you can’t say that!” screams an eternally optimistic Trotskyist, “It was the beginning of a mass movement.” It wasn’t though. It was a nice day out – and then the TUC sent everyone home again. They aren’t afraid of us, our overlords – why would they be? We march to the gates and meekly ask, “Please sir, can I have some more?” They chuckle as they shit on our heads. We need to make them scared. Jeremy Corbyn can stick his “nicer kind of politics” up his wrinkly hole. I doubt Corbyn has ever been sanctioned or made homeless. I doubt he’s ever had to walk two and a half miles to a food bank to pick up a box of Tesco-Value sludge. No. No more Mr. Nice Guy, Jeremy – I want blood. And fire. Fire would be good too.
Inside the conference, the Conservatives announced the total decimation of Britain. In the next years they shall be imposing liberty via cuts, starvation and good old fashioned hard work. They will also be throwing all refugees into the sea. Cameron is a man who inflicts evil with such a casual air that he may as well be making a cup of tea. This is a man who this week, proudly stated that he would indeed push the big red button and bring about nuclear Armageddon – in order to defend Britain of course. He could open up workhouses next week and call them “Retraining Facilities” – no one would be surprised – they’d be privately run of course, so they wouldn’t affect middle England’s tax bill.
It isn’t likely that you’ll hear about ‘The Blob’ on BBC or RTE news. It remains a rather obscure story, but one I’ve been aware of for some time. So what exactly is The Blob? The Blob is our future. It is the evil child of capitalism and it wants to eat your soul. It is Cthulhu awakened from his slumberous depths to wreak havoc upon the earth and unleash Lovecraftian horror on us all. Over the top? Just another climate doom prediction? I think not. The Blob is a massive area of very warm water in the Northern part of the Pacific Ocean. It is killing masses of ocean dwelling creatures. It is thought to have played a role in the recent multi-year super-drought in California and is forcing unseasonably warm water into the southern parts of the Arctic Ocean exacerbating an already critical ice-loss crisis.
That’s not all. The Blob has a little cousin in the North Atlantic, between Greenland, Newfoundland and Ireland – we’ll call it “The Blub.” The Blub is The Blobs opposite. It is a huge area of extremely cold water that has formed due to large amounts of melt-water plunging into the Atlantic from melting glaciers in Greenland. This area has had record cold temperatures this year – the only place on earth where the average temperature has been decreasing. Remember that film, “The Day After Tomorrow?” Well, this was the premise. The Blub is causing the North Atlantic current to slow down – in the future it could stop altogether. If it stopped we could see a huge jump in sea level for East Coast USA, ocean currents changing direction, and an end to the comparatively mild winters that we see in Ireland and the UK. In short, it could royally fuck everything up. Pah! Who cares?
It’s difficult to get passionate about temperature changes. It doesn’t really seem like something that will affect your life very much – but for those of us who have been following the effects of climate change for some years, this is an extremely worrying development. It’s like we’ve spotted Jeremy Corbyn’s asteroid, and it’s headed straight for earth. Meanwhile, CO2 emissions are still rising, the Arctic ice cap could be gone before 2020 – ecosystems, weather patterns, and food stability are all in a state of total collapse. The Blob and The Blub are signs of things to come. Now isn’t that an encouraging thought? You better get squirrel hunting.