You wander along an endless road, the noon-high Autumn sun dazzling your eyes – reeling in the unseasonal heat. Stinking melting tarmac washes up in nauseating waves to your nostrils. You had been going somewhere once, you can’t remember where. You don’t know who you are, why you are alive. But one thing you do know is that this barren landscape is called Britain. Suddenly, out of nowhere a Delorian speeds down the road, bursts of dust trailing it. What’s inside? It’s an oversized furry blue monster. It works for the DWP. His name is Workie.
“Workie,” the new mascot for workplace pensions cost the DWP £8.45m. He will be gracing your television screens and the Twittersphere for the foreseeable future, to remind you that you are entitled to a pension – nice of them. The DWP is strapped for cash, but the big furry monster was a high priority public awareness campaign – letters being a little old fashioned. But they don’t have money for your kid’s dinner, no – that’s a luxury! Or to heat your home? Are you mad? Back to work scrounger scum!
I think the DWP should have been more true to life. At my local Jobcentre, I gave my adviser my proposal for a new DWP mascot – I call him “Theify.” He’s an enormous rubber dildo with an evil face who ejaculates famine and pestilence across the land. As he bounces into towns maniacally cackling, people flee for their lives. I tried to make him visualize the TV ad. “Theify is coming!” they’d scream into the camera, then an enormous shadow would turn all to darkness. As poor people drowned in the purple ooze, a kindly voice would interject over the pictures – “The DWP – changing the country’s perception of pensions.” My adviser hated the proposal – sanctioning me instead.
REDS UNDER THE BED
Fed up with tarring Jeremy Corbyn as a die-hard Marxist revolutionary, the Establishment had some fun this week when the leader of the Chinese Communist Party came round for drinks, and nuclear power stations. Although Xi Jinping presides over the world’s largest dictatorship, we’re told we needn’t worry about that because he’s good at business. “I’m clear that the UK is China’s best partner in the west,” said Cameron. On human rights, Xi himself said, “We have found a path suited to China’s conditions.” China’s conditions must mean that arbitrary imprisonment for speaking out against the state is totally necessary. The Brits could learn a lot from Xi – but not business skills – because the proposed nuclear plant at Hinkley Point isn’t gonna happen.
This isn’t a matter of conjecture – but physics. Hinkley Point is on an area of land a few metres above sea-level, right next to the Irish Sea. Sea-levels are rising at an unparalleled rate – either the plant will never become operational, making it a Grande white elephant – or if it does, it will be Fukushima in waiting. Either way, not great for business.
IT WAS THE PALESTINIANS WHAT DONE IT
In the most remarkable historical discovery of the year, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that the Holocaust was the fault of someone other than Hitler. It was the fault of someone not even German. It was the fault of a Palestinian – the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem Haj Amin al-Husseini to be precise. Bloody Arabs – I knew it all along. What really happened – Bibi tells us – wasn’t that the Nazi’s anti-Semitic expansionist ideology resulted in the attempted annihilation of European Jewry in death camps. No, we’ve got it wrong. Netanyahu claims Hitler only wanted to deport the Jews – not murder six million of them. It was the Grand Mufti who planted the idea to exterminate the Jews in Hitler’s mind. Poor old Hitler, manipulated by the Palestinians.
Of course, it isn’t surprising that this nugget of historical revisionism should pop up now – when Israeli forces are on a veritable murder spree across Occupied Palestine. What better way to invigorate the troops than by insinuating that the Palestinian’s ancestors were responsible for the Holocaust? A nice way to incite genocide, that. What is surprising is that this sort of talk is exactly the kind of thing that you would expect from far-right Holocaust deniers – not coming from the gob of the Prime Minister of Israel, the Jewish State. But that’s Bibi for you – always full of surprises. In his next address, I wouldn’t be shocked if he claims he’s discovered a link between the “Protocols of the Elders of Zion,” and investigative research by David Irving proving indisputably that those Hamas terrorists got their hands on an Iranian time machine and travelled to the past to invent Auschwitz. If anything, it would be a good reason to flatten Gaza – again.
WINTER IS COMING
British newspapers, in shock revelations, announced this week that something called “winter” is on the way. It might even bring that mystical substance “snow” to our shores. The British press loves a sensationalist weather story. What is odd is that what we call winter now is markedly different from the winters experienced 50 years ago. In fact, anyone born – roughly – after 1970 has never experienced “normal” weather – weather existing in a climate that was relatively stable for around the previous 10,000 years. But now, weirdness – ocean temperatures in the North Atlantic are the coldest on record – predicted to get colder in coming years. Methane-hydrates are destabilizing off the West coast of North America potentially triggering a climate “tipping point.” All bets are off. The future of civilisation hangs in the balance. Did you read that in the Mirror? No, but they go wild for a few “wintry showers” in Scotland. But everything will be ok – they’ve found billions worth of oil and gas of the Irish coast, and thankfully the government has issued us with Apocalypse proof fall-out shelters – developed in Megiddo, Israel and funded by the Chinese Government. There’s nothing to worry about.