The Flying Column #11 By Connor Kelly


Onwards Christian Soldiers

And so the grand lizard king of oblivion and our dear and faithful leader David Cameron has decreed that we good Christian soldiers shall be marching headlong into the abyss that is the inevitability of utter destruction. “To Syria – and the end of civilisation!” he squawked from his parliamentary pulpit as the Blairite members of the “opposition” licked his gout ridden toes. It would have been better if Cameron had said something as dramatic and interesting as this. Instead, he garbled on like a dull and useless history teacher reading from a 1950s text book on “The Orient.” We need to “tackle” ISIS, he said quoting from the Anthology of Eton Rugby Tactics. “Since November last year, our security services have foiled no fewer than seven different plots against our people,” he said, quoting from the Bullingdon guide to 007. Finally, he concluded, that we need to “degrade” ISIS, quoting directly from the eminently dismal “50 shades of Abu Ghraib.”  We know the world really is in a sad state of affairs when our leaders can’t even get properly animated about the prospect of mass slaughter. They’re so very bloody dull.



As an antidote to this banal drivel, we had the supposedly excellent oration from the Shadow Foreign Secretary. Gladiator though he is not, delusions of machismo grandeur seem to have totally engulfed this mutated seed of Tony Benn know as Hilary. As if rallying the troops from his chariot he decreed the abandonment not only of principle, but of reason itself. In a tirade of lies, untruths, clichés and fallacies, Mr. Benn gave a most gloriously mediocre speech that had some MPs – those more sentimental about the murder of children – apparently in tears. He got a rapturous round of applause from the lizard people, and in pursuit of prime–ministerial pomp, Mr. Benn went to war. But it was not a war with Syria that Mr. Benn declared. It was war against labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.


Fire and Brimstone

Either way, we are now “at war.” We are at war with a state that we don’t even believe really exists – how very postmodern! If we are fighting the “so called Islamic State” does that mean it’s only a “so called war?” We are aiding our Turkish NATO allies who have been aiding ISIS – our enemies. We are aiding the Iraqi state, who is in an alliance with our “enemies,” Iran. We are not working with the Russians, who are aiding Assad who is our enemy, though Russia isn’t really our enemy – I think. And we aid our allies by dropping Brimstone missiles upon the people of Northern Syria. By the way our MPs talk about these missiles you would think they were dropping candy-floss and Werther’s Originals to the poor little Arab kids. By God, we’re practically doing them a favour, by dropping murder on their heads. The humanity of it all! But if these bombs are so “precise” and “humanitarian” then why name them after “the wrath of God” from the Old Testament? This must be some sort of in-joke in the British Establishment that I don’t get. Interestingly, the only other state in the world that uses Brimstone missiles is Saudi Arabia – the very source of the supposedly “evil death-cult” ideology to which ISIS subscribes. But the British establishment has a wonderful friendship with the Saudi elite and the “breath of Jehovah, like a stream of brimstone, doth kindle it.”


Apocalyptic Ambitions

ISIS, we are told, expects the imminent apocalypse. They believe their equivalent of the last great battle will take place in Dabiq, in Syria. The equally insane born-again Christian Zionists – along with a significant percentage of the American establishment and populace of Northern Ireland – also believe the end is most definitely nigh, but their great battle will supposedly take place just over the border in Palestine, on the plain of Megiddo (Armageddon). How very wrong they both are. Though they are correct to think that the forces of destruction are lining up against the forces of salvation, this is not happening in the Middle East, this is happening in Paris.

For at this very moment, world leaders are ironing out the final details of a climate change “deal” that – if unchallenged – will mean the total destruction of human civilisation. I stopped the jokes a few sentences ago – this is serious. For the “deal” that is proposed will mean that climate change will accelerate well past the (allegedly) safe 2 degree limit. This means inundated coastal cities world-wide, hypercanes raging in the Atlantic and elsewhere, wildfires spiraling out of control, super storms every winter in the British Isles, and probably, a large amount of methane being released from underneath the Arctic which would mean the mass extinction would be largely complete by the end of the century. Let’s give Hollande, Cameron and Obama a nice pat on the back for their wondrous efforts to “curb” climate change! Sitting around their walnut sheen tables in a lap of luxury, they have agreed nothing short of total annihilation. The greatest crime against humanity has just been perpetrated in Paris – and we will all pay the price.

It should be clear by now that our leaders are so invested in this murderous and destructive system and so totally out of touch with reality, that there can be no “convincing” them of the benefits of the preservation of the human species. No wonder apocalyptic cults are springing up across the globe, when our elected representatives are so wholly invested in the end of everything! There is little to be said in solace in such dark times, and so I can but leave you with this quote from the great French revolutionary Jean-Paul Marat:

“I believe in the cutting off of heads.”