How To Get Hardly Any Votes, by Kevin Higgins

Tommy Roddy Regan

When pressed
for your position on wind farms
in the West of Ireland,
come out in favour
of the Vietnam war.

Tell the local media
that the Spanish Inquisition
was a good idea
clumsily executed.

Say you’d allow
primary schools to re-introduce
capital punishment,
if a majority of parents
express a preference for it.

Promise, if elected, you’ll make sure
Irish troops take part
in the upcoming invasion of Russia.

Announce live on national TV
that at weekends you like nothing better
than to dress up as John Major
or Augustus Caesar.

Employ a hired assassin
to graze your skull with a bullet
which then goes on to kill
your neighbour’s Jack Russell;

send a picture of your
ever expanding smiley head
being soothed back to itself
at public expense
to every newspaper, including some
which haven’t existed for years;

follow up with tearful
emails when, one by one,
the bastards refuse to publish it.
KEVIN HIGGINS is the Bogmans Cannon Satirist-in-Residence