For Sale: Shrunken Political Party, by Kevin Higgins


Available in five resistible flavours.


Our leader’s voice is a teenage girl

upstairs malpracticing her trumpet

on a wet Monday in Mullhuddart;

could perhaps be installed

in an elevator that only goes

to the basement, for even we

can bear it no more.


Her Deputy’s roaring red skull

might be ground into a tincture,

and given away free

to men with the more extreme

type of erectile issue.


Our sole remaining representative

in the Midlands is a giant

quivering, fifty nine year old

bottom best served boiled

with bile green cabbage

and bacon so slippery

your fork has to chase

it around the plate

and eventually give up.


Our man in north County Dublin

keeps such a low profile

even his own wife

doesn’t recognise him

when he slips into bed beside her.


Our presence down the entire

Western sea board

reduced to a narrowly re-elected

pair of glasses

attached to a Limerick woman who once believed

in Deng Shou-ping, until he phoned

the Niall Boylan show,

straight from Hell, to say

he wants nothing further

to do with the likes of her.


Please enquire within.

All offers gratefully accepted.


KEVIN HIGGINS is The Bogmans Cannon Satirist-in-residence.