By Connor Kelly
Hurricane Stunt Angers World Leaders
The Earth has intervened in the climate change debate in headline-grabbing fashion by sending an enormous skull-shaped hurricane to America. This intervention comes at the height of a tsunami of inaction over climate change.
World Leaders were quick to react with UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon announcing, “The Earth is trying to speak to us. We need to try and understand what it is saying.” When asked for comment, the Dalai Lama made an obscure joke and went into fits of giggles; Pope Francis blamed global capitalism. British Prime Minister Teresa May blamed the last Labour Government for the storm whereas Jeremy Corbyn called it, “a thought provoking message.”
Amid the storm of publicity, spokesperson for the earth, Marcus Melarkey, said, “I don’t know what the debate is about. It’s not laced with symbolism or anything. I mean, it’s sort of speaks for itself, no? It’s a killer storm shaped like a skull.”
Others criticized the stunt saying it was offensive to all those who had benefited from fossil fuel production in the past. Presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I’m gonna find out where this Earth character is. I’m gonna find him, I’m gonna go there, I’m gonna make him listen. I have a lot of experience in this.”
Hijacking Cable Street
The Battle of Cable Street happened 80 years ago this week. It was a defensive street battle where working class Londoners – many Jewish and Irish – along with left wing activists thoroughly defeated Oswald Moseley’s fascist Blackshirts and the police that acted as their escort. An extraordinary working class victory! A high point in the history of British anti-fascism! How does the Israeli Ambassador figure in this? Mark Regev penned an article in the “left-wing” Guardian this week that cynically attempted to use the Battle of Cable Street in order to defend Israeli war-crimes.
In the extraordinary column, entitled, “Remember Cable Street, when the labour movement and Zionists were allies” Regev argues:
“Today, leftwing antisemitism often conceals itself behind the mask of anti-Zionism, whereby the existence of the Jewish state is rejected, regardless of its borders. Within such a paradigm, Israel is the Jew among the nations, the epicentre of evil, and the ultimate global pariah.”
Later, he says:
And so the bellowing cries, “We are all Hezbollah now,” or “From the river to the sea Palestine will be free” – a barely concealed call for genocide – echo menacingly through London.”
Calling for the freedom of Palestine becomes “a barely concealed call for genocide” that echoes “menacingly through London.” Of course, the sound of bunker buster bombs echoing menacingly through the skies of Gaza is merely “self-defence” against “terrorists,” and any opposition to such self-defence is anti-semitic racism.
The fact that, only months after a Labour MP was killed by a fascist, he would use this monumental anti-fascist battle to attack the left is sickening. The fact that he does so in order to defend Israeli atrocities is beyond the pale.
Before becoming the Ambassador to Britain, Regev acted as spokesperson for PM Benjamin Netanyahu. You may remember him in this role as the Alastair Campbell of Apartheid from his frequent appearances on Channel 4 and BBC during the bombardment of Gaza, where he shamelessly justified the wanton massacre of civilians, many of them children.
Mr Regev – talking about Iran – once said, “”The combination of extremist ideology, a warped understanding of reality and nuclear weapons is a combination that no-one in the international community can accept.” I couldn’t have said it better myself Mark; that’s why I’m an anti-zionist.
Don’t Mention Immigration!
Amber Rudd thinks you can’t talk about immigration.
May: The Farce be With You
Theresa May has decided to go for “Hard Brexit” after tossing a pound coin. “It’s heads,” she said, “Hard Brexit it is.” The strategy for negotiation with the EU will involve gambling the status 3 million EU nationals living in the UK. 3 million bargaining chips. “All these migrants are bloody well coming in handy,” said the Deportation Secretary Liam Fox, “about time they made themselves useful.”
In her speech to the Tory party conference, May vowed to take on the “Liberal Metropolitan Elite,” and announced plans to stage a Putsch in a Beer Hall in Stratford in order to show them what’s what. Denouncing the speech, Bob Geldof offered to take on May in a sumo wrestling contest on Brexit. May replied that she would engage Geldof in a Maypole dancing contest but refused the Sumo wrestling saying, “it’s much too foreign.” Speaking of foreign, the new Foreign Secretary and racist boor Boris Johnson has arrived in “Bongo Bongo Land” for negotiations with the “piccanninies” who were said to beam with “watermelon smiles” upon his arrival.
He Is Risen!
In the face of an emboldened Tory Party, and the wholly unpopular Labour Party leader having absolutely no mandate in his own party, only one man can save us. Speaking from his subterranean lair, Lord of Darkness Tony Blair said that he may return to politics. With the tacit acknowledgement that Blair had used the empty husk of Owen Smith as a host for his spirit of pure evil in recent months, and rumours of 2017 Comeback Tour, “Tony! The Second Coming,” Blair said his return to politics was “an open question.” Asked for comment, Jeremy Corbyn said, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right?”