By Connor Kelly
Just in case you thought 2016 couldn’t get any more insane, it turns out that we’re in the Cold War again. This is due to the fact that scientists at CERN led by one Dr Boris Johnson have created a timey-wimey vortex machine which caused everything to get muddled up. A little slice of the mid 80s has landed in 2016, to great cheer from the new government.
Nuclear war – whodathunkit? “But they’d never actually do it!” I hear you say. Nah, they’d never do it except when they did it in Japan (where, incidentally, they also planned to keep dropping nukes on major cities until they surrendered), and that time they intended to drop them during the Korean War – the country was apparently too mountainous for them to be effective. “But it would mean mutually assured destruction!” Well, yes, but that seems to be the way of things these days. If it doesn’t put the entire species at risk, then it’s just not worth doing! Now that nuclear war is on the cards, doesn’t Trident make you feel so safe and warm inside? I bet Iceland is saying, “We should have got nuclear submarines! We’re so vulnerable now!”
At PMQs this week, Independent MP for Splosh-en-Lieu Marcus Melarkey asked, “Prime Minister, in the event of a major confrontation with Russia – which I think we all know would escalate very quickly into a nuclear exchange – what contingency plans does this government have for A) the defence of the realm, and B) for the rebuilding of vital infrastructure after a nuclear attack?”
The Prime Minister then outlined her plans to replace the old Cold War era “Four Minute Warning” broadcast with the theme tune to The Archers, to be played on a loop, on every channel, forever: “This will help instill British Values into the remaining population, enabling us to construct a rump radioactive agrarian kingdom out of the rubble of our nuclear wasteland. Like a phoenix from the ashes, Great Britain will rise again, a race of mutant Englanders who will not be talked down to, or insulted by a liberal metropolitan elite.”
BoJo Calls a Protest
But of course, the whole geo-political chess game is – at present – revolving around Syria, and in particular the assault on Aleppo where countless civilians are being blown to smithereens, losing their homes, and going hungry because massive Russian bombs are falling on their heads. After witnessing this great moral atrocity, UK foreign minister Boris Johnson AKA Lord BoJo the 10th, in an act of historic compassion demanded that the Stop the War Coalition call a protest at the Russian Embassy. Because the large infant in a suit has suddenly decided that imperialism is wrong, and that civilians need to be protected from foreign bombs. Since Jeremy Corbyn is no longer chairperson of STW, perhaps BoJo thinks he can fill his shoes. Red Boris strikes again!
It is incumbent upon all of us to oppose the Russian and Syrian government slaughter in Aleppo, but this does not mean that when BoJo says “Jump!” we say, “How high?” If protesting outside the Russian embassy at the behest of the UK foreign minister is inadvisable this should not stop us condemning Russian imperialism in Syria – as well as condemning all imperialisms in the region – neither Washington nor Moscow. Our solidarity should be with the people of Syria who valiantly rose up against a dictator demanding democracy and freedom.
But in the coming days and weeks, as the “great game” enters a dangerous phase, the peoples of Europe, Russia and America must, as well as we can, oppose by force of mass demonstrations, any further escalation in the Middle East. An international conflict, a world war, would be catastrophic for us all.
In Other News
In other news, Donald Trump is a Russian spy, Hillary Clinton has tremendous hatred in her heart, the world has condemned the US election as a “practical joke that has gone too far,” killer clowns stalk the streets, Obama wants to go to Mars, Theresa May has announced plans to have her smirk surgically removed, David Cameron was spotted on his Oxfordshire pig farm in a state of undress, refugees crossing the channel “to be nuked,” happiness has been declared “a privilege” in Brexit Britain and people around the world cry out for the misery to finally end. Oh, and don’t worry, even if we miss out on nuclear war this time round, our leaders have reassured us that they are totally committed to our annihilation by means of the climate apocalypse. Happy 2016 folks – let’s get revolutionary.