What They Don’t Know Is, by Kevin Higgins

after Dennis O’Driscoll
That this cannot be avoided by everyone wearing protective glasses.

That the contents of their half-full cups are about to evaporate.

That the University will remain closed until further notice.

That Kim Kardashian’s arse has been abolished.

That the idea of tomorrow is suddenly quaint as a dinner plate made in West Germany.

That the price of house insurance just went up ten thousand per cent.

That the lack of reception on their mobile phones isn’t because they’re going through a tunnel.

That even the hairstyle of the Fox News anchor woman is no longer perfect.

That Adolf is now the second most hated politician in history.

That the station at which this train terminates no longer exists.

That the priest who’ll give them last rites is just a guy in an outfit

his brother recently wore to a fancy dress.

That God is a skeleton who knows everything and will one day talk.

KEVIN HIGGINS is The Bogman’s Cannon satirist-in-residence.